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Tuesday, July 31, 2001 -
Disclaimer: This post assumes you cannot be dissuaded from seeing the monkey movie. This movie sucks. This movie has no redeeming features. There is none of the following that may have saved this movie:
Sex; nurses; celloists; nudity; shower scenes; cute monkey-ass; cute human-ass; interspecies sex; intraspecies sex; character development; woman-of-your-dreams buffet; a bath tub, lime jello and at least 2 different species; less than 3 screenplay writers; any plot whatsoever; satire; one original thought; hockey; a message; more than one shot of good, solid cleavage; pennsic; subtlety; sense of pace; sense of humor; suspension of disbelief; a kris kristofferson character that get's pissed of and kills a bunch of apes; hamster ball; suspension of sleepiness (mine); transitions; wit; humor; ZOLTAN; red-heads; plot; plot; plot; obtuse social commentary; alcohol; depth; smooth plot; an ending that doesn�t suck; a beginning that doesn�t suck; a middle that doesn�t suck.
OK�I think that�s a pretty fair sized list, but by no means exhaustive.
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To be fair, the movie did have the following things that were cool:
It rained monkeys. One good shot of cleavage.
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So here is how to watch Planet of the Apes:
1. Make sure you get there for the previews, that way there might be something entertaining that shows on the screen. (I was hoping for a Lord of the Rings preview, but no-soup-for-me).
2. Bring a book, and one of those little mag-lites, so you can read. I�d suggest something more compelling than the movie, I�d hate for you to accidentally see what was on the screen. Try the dictionary.
3. About 1 hour and 35 minutes into the movie, you will hear a loud boom. Look up, and you will see that it is raining monkeys. You have now seen the good part of the movie.
4. Get up and leave. If you�re worried about missing the cleavage, go to step 5.
5. Go to a convenience store, and buy a copy of Penthouse (the letters are better than Playboy�s), and look at all the wonderful cleavage. I know you had to pay extra, but you really do get more bang for your buck this way.
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Seriously. This movie sucks. There was actually a lot that Tim Burton could have done with the movie, instead he dicks around until he realizes that he�s burned an hour and 40 minutes of his movie, and must end it all in the next 20 minutes (the movie, not his life, if only we could have been so lucky�). So over the course of the final 20 minutes, the last gasping breaths of the film are beaten out if it. What is left is a bloody mess of crap. If it hadn�t rained monkey�s, I�d a been really, really pissed off.
i'm out
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