2001-12-07 - 1:47 p.m.

GOFZILLA (gof/zil/la) (Rexus Maximus):

Region:

This unique creature can usually be found in the Maryland/Norther Virginia region. Although in early August he usually migrates north in a bid to demonstrate his fighting prowress to win mates.

Diet:

Rexus Maximus is primarily a meat eater, and though it is though that it sometimes drinks water, he usually seeks out a blend of hops, grains and sugars. Some have speculated that failure to recieve some form of fermented beverage might result in a spike in anti-social behavior. Experts agree that the best thing to todo is to provide alchohol upon request. Some reports indicate that Absolut Vodka is the prefered choice of Rexus Maximus.

Identification:

The Rexus Maximus can be identified by the signature mullet hair stlye, large size and uniqe behavior patterns. These patterns include an chronic lack of patience, an active imagination when it comes to expressing displeasure and a complete inability to calculate bar bills accurately. This last behavior pattern often leads to erratic behavior and feces-flinging by pissed off bar monkeys.

Handling:

The ability to succesfully deal with the Rexus appears to be directly linked to breast size. Those individuals not properly endowed are warned that bodily harm and permanent mental damage are possible side effects of a negative interaction with the Rexus. Please note: Man Tits do not count! While tranquilzers have not been succesfully used against Rexus, it is known that vast quantities of alchohol do tend to smooth-the-edges, as it were.

Conclusion:

Overall, the Rexus is a problematic beast. While feared and admired in the animal Kingdom, the right combination of manners and breast will sooth the savage beast. Don't let the mullet and inability to add fool you...this beast is technologically advanced, and will use technology to defend its territory.

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