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November 04, 2004 - 15:36

There is, in some of the fiction I read, a race that in its past was on the brink of self-destruction. Then, a group emerged from that race and convinced everyone to play nice. Now, many years later, they live in fear of returning to that dark place, of allowing their anger and madness to destroy them.

I identify pretty strongly with these guys. There is a very large delta between who I am and who I want to be. Ofttimes I completely lose who I want to be. I flap wildly between incarnations of exactly who it is I desire to be, and on the bad days, on whether I think I have the strength within me to change at all.

Part of the problem is, ironiclly, that I have shed enough of my arrogance to realize that I'm not who I want to be. While it's certainly nice to be able to hide behind your ego, its can be a cold comfort sometimes.

Well...for today who I am is already decided, all I can do is work for tomorrow. But the failures seem to have hurt more recently. It seems harder to pick myself up and try again. When you spend all day with the enemy, you really can get tired of fighting.

And I'm very, very tired.

Kynny

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