2002-09-06 - 5:51 p.m.

I chew on things.

Like a lot. Particullarly when I'm working. My work space is a wasteland of office supplies and little soft-rubber fiber-optic protectors. The devestation is almost total...pens are chewed until they give up their black and blue life blood, leaving me looking like some sort of retarded vampire. The rubber thingies are twisted and mutilated, all of the joy of their existance completely removed.

I have no idea why I do this. I've done it as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, some unsuspecting and unwise girl loaned me a calculator in algebra class. At some point she caught me deep in though, with the calculator jammed halfway down my throat. "Why don't you wipe that off..." she said in a voice that I would normally associate with someone requesting a restraining order from a judge.

But I continued my battle against all things soft and chewy. Pen caps aren't safe out after dark, pens draw straws to see which poor bastard has to be next as I pull my next victim out of the box of bic pens. I can see them all staring up into the sky as one of their own rises to his doom. I think the black bic pens are particullarly suceptible to the depression that follows from that sort of thing.

Even the push pens aren't safe. Their natural defences stick out of my mouth as I merrily chew on their multicolored bodies. They aren't my favorite, but it makes for an excellent effect as office works stop by, open their mouth, and promptly disappear. "Excellent" I think to myself...

What I cannot chew I destroy in other ways. Paper clips are perhaps the office product bitch of the universe. I'm not alone in this, twisted husks of once usefully shaped wire is all thats left of the cannon fodder of the office world. In cube after cube the results are the same...the complete human domination of paper clips.

I hope that office supplies aren't somehow involved in that whole karma thing...

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